I can be the happiest person in the world,
life is good and sweet.
And in an instant, it all can change,
and that’s not the person you meet.
I’ll be smiling and content as anyone could be,
but inside I’m fighting back tears hoping no one will see.
I walk through my door and can’t hold on any longer.
I don’t want to be that person, I want to be stronger.
The tears start to flow as if I’m falling apart,
and I don’t know why this happens to my heart.
I sob until I can’t sob anymore,
I want to go in my room and just shut the door.
Life is good and in most ways, it is more than enough,
but some days, some days, on my heart it is tough.
I don’t want to do this, I want to know why,
I can laugh and be happy then turn around and cry.
I know I am blessed and am grateful each day,
but I wish these ‘some days’ would just stay away. . .
How it is possible to be the happiest person in the world and still have some days like that. I do it often, not quite as much as I used to, but still more than I’d like. Do you? I have so, so much, to be thankful for, and I am. Plus I want to be the happy girl, the one that makes people laugh, the one that picks others up, and it frustrates me ‘some days’ I’m not able to be that person. As crazy as this sounds, it’s almost as if my brain is reminding me of things I ‘should’ be sad about like…
what so and so said about me
how I’m going to get a car
this person was short with me yesterday
why did I do do this or not do that
why did I say this or not say that
worrying that I’ll never be enough
worrying that I’m running out of time
wondering if I deserve to be happy….
I mean seriously?!! It’s a mental checklist of BS that I can’t turn it off.
I hear myself say suck it up buttercup over and over. I hear people like my Dad say “Oh, you’re tough, you just have to do this.” That sounds so easy and we all need those pep talks but some days even those words create pressure to not let someone down if we don’t suck it up. Thankfully most days I can but the other ‘some days’ sneak in now and again and I can’t hold the door shut.
It’s just life I guess.
God is good. That is never a question for me. Nor do I question that if I crawl up His lap and rest my head on His chest, He will give me rest. And before long, the checklist of sad dissolves, He tears it up and tosses it to the wind, and all is right with the world again. So if you’ll excuse me, I see His big lap waiting on little ol’ me.
Saying goodbye to some day today,