Up at 2:30 this morning, I sat here looking at this blank screen like a zombie. I have a list of things I want to write, my mind racing daily, but it’s all felt so irrelevant in the big picture right now. I started praying, asking God what He would want me to type, what words He wants me to say, and in my slightly frantic mind, I tried to listen. It took a while. So here I am, in the silence of this house, typing words I hope He has put here.
I am lonely. Are you? I talk to my kids and Daddy most days, texts a friend or two, I’ve seen B several times, but I’ve not seen or hugged my kids in 17 days, I miss them, I miss my grandson, I’m still lonelier than usual when I’m alone.
I am confused. Are you? I know the devil is the root of confusion, I know. I go from thinking this can’t be this bad, to holy heck, this is bad. I hate the media but it’s almost a necessity at this point watching to see what are the schools doing, how many cases are in the county, where you can find TP which sounds ridiculous as I type it. I mean seriously, our ancestors didn’t have any, they pooped in the woods and used leaves, I think we’ll survive and the world won’t end because of TP.
I am scared. Are you? Being self-employed in all of my jobs, my income has come to a halt. I was already living dollar to dollar and I have enough tucked away for a few weeks if I don’t eat much but of course being stuck inside, I eat more. Ugg. I am scared.
I am so, so sad. Are you? I am sad seeing for the sick. I am sad people lose their jobs, trying to figure out how to feed their families, seeing employers tortured by having to let people go. I am sad seeing people in nursing homes and hospitals not being able to have visitors. I am sad for the overworked. I walked in the grocery store last week and wanted to hug all the employees whom I’ve seen for years. They looked exhausted, stressed, worn out. I’m sure they want to go home too and be with their families. I’m sad of just seeing people sad.
But you know, in the midst of it all….
I am inspired. Are you? I see a human spirit rising that I’ve never seen so strong. I see selfishness almost falling off of people as they try to help others. I see people rising out of the shadows to become men and women in capes. I see people showing more compassion than I recall seeing in my lifetime. I see companies forgetting their bottom line to reach out, offer jobs, so much more. I see humans becoming super-human. I see families playing together when two weeks ago, they were ships in the night. I see love. How can all this be?
I am grateful. Are you? I am healthy. I have friends. I have a roof over my head and food enough to live on a month if I had to eat the old Cheerios I have. Between my Dad, B, and my kids, they’re all just a few miles away, they would save me in a heartbeat, as I would them, and I will never go hungry as long as they’re around.
I am bittersweetly joyful. All this unemployment gives me time to dream, to work on the book I’m writing, to learn how to not be in this position again. Maybe, must maybe, He is using such a time as this. What could He be using this time for in your life?
I am alive. I … am … alive.
As I start thinking through the good things that are coming from all this, I can hear Him say, “And don’t forget, you are still my child!” We are His kids, y’all! What else can matter?! When we think about that, the earthly things almost fade away. I just pray the next time we get all those not so good feelings that we can pause and can see His face smiling, hear Him calling our name with His arms outstretched, His lap waiting to hold us, His big strong chest waiting for us to rest our heads… don’t you want to crawl up in His lap and rest your head? I surely do. And may we hear Him say, “You are and will always be My child. That above all things is all the matters. Now, let me read you a story, I promise it has a happy ending.”
Love and prayers to you all. I’d love to hear from you. How are you doing?
Just a Crazy Girl
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