While I want so desperately for this to be a positive space all the time, life just isn’t like that. Things happen, not always good things, but they make us who we are, right? And if you’re like me, memories can be triggered in an instant that remind us of times that maybe we want to forget.
As I’ve been at home more than usual, I’ve found quite a few journals. I have a bad habit of starting journals, writing in them for a few weeks or months, then starting a whole new one a year later, meaning I have several half-filled books … my poor kids. Anyway, I’ve read about things I’d forgotten, mostly good, like the one I kept when I was pregnant the first time, about my daughter’s delivery, and the first few months of being a Mom. But some of them were hard to read, being reminded of things that got me to the dark place I wound up, some about a woman I barely recognize. I read the words with tears in my eyes and rejoice in how far I’ve come, how happy I am not to see her in the mirror anymore, at least not often, I also cry for her and am sad she had to feel that way, that I had to feel that way.
I may have shared these thoughts before but as I read this, I was reminded of how I felt like I was standing up looking down at a stranger when this happened. It was as if it was happening in a dark room no one knew existed. No one knew what was wrong with me although my family was starting to ask. I couldn’t give them an answer, I just put on that smile Tracey always wore. Inside though, I was spiraling and starting to worry about myself. I felt God had abandoned me and yet, there were days I felt I was hiding from Him. I felt so alone, I mean who could I talk to about it? I was the happy girl, the strong one, the good Mom, daughter, friend, and sure, now I realize I had people I could have turned to, but it sure didn’t feel that way then. I was embarrassed at these feelings of hopelessness and felt so selfish and guilty for feeling this way. I had it all, a family, a home, a career, how could this be happening to me? I crawled into a shell and didn’t want to be that girl but yet, I could never escape her.
I never want to be in this place again but today, I am learning to embrace who I was, to love that person, but to also set her free. If you love someone, set them free, right? And I do love her. She is, after all, a part of me.
It’s still extremely difficult to share some of my story but I’m getting there. I feel in my heart that I need to because someone reading this may be in a place of sadness, for any reason whatsoever, or someone you know may be there. I need you to hear that you are worthy, that you matter, that I get you, that someone gets you.
There is light on the other side, I am a shining example! Does my light dim still? Sure, it does. Some days I have to hunt for it but I’m learning more every day about how to find it, how to cope with the dark moments, and I believe that you can too.
Just a Crazy Girl