My old friend, this tree. It sits exactly a mile from my house and I drive past it every day. I affectionally call it ‘my’ tree although it sits on the farm of a neighboring family, a family precious to me who would likely move it to my yard if they could. Many days though, I’m sure I go by it with barely a glance, rare, but it happens. The busyness of life racing through my mind distracting me from the little things that are important.
This past Monday, I woke up with what I guess a lot of people call the Monday blues. I’m not even sure if that’s the right term for me because mine starts on Sunday night and it literally has nothing to do with Mondays. I don’t dislike Mondays at all, call me weird. In fact, I kind of like Mondays; okay, yes, call me weird. But this past one, I was thinking back through a really special weekend and was so sad to see it end. I used to dread weekends, dread being away from my kids, dread the exhaustion that was coming. angry at the necessity of it all, so now I cling to my weekends like a ray of sunshine that belongs to only me and I protect them like a Mama bear. But as happens still once in a while, I get home and as I shut the front door smiling, I hear that little old voice saying it was wonderful so what’s wrong with me, where is this going, does he love me, how could he love me, what should I do about the holidays, how am I going to make the car payment, when will I get the car inspected, I’ve got 41 shirts to make, is my grandson feeling okay… and it continues on. Just being honest. And by the time I get to my room, the tears may come, followed by guilt and frustration that I allow myself an ounce of sadness at what is likely the happiest time in my life.
If you could only see how far I’ve come in this department. A year ago, I stressed over every single hour worrying about tomorrow, I mean worrying to the point I couldn’t sleep, I’d cry constantly, I was almost frantic at times, especially when I was alone. I would sob, I mean sob. I am so not that person anymore, thank God, I don’t get frantic anymore, I relish my alone time watching Dr. Phil or some of the Real Housewives (no judgment, okay) but I really don’t worry about so many of the things that I hear that voice whisper, I don’t. I think she just likes to creep back in to see if I still have a pulse but every day I am learning to lock her out on the front porch. I am in the best place I’ve been in a really long time and this new girl is the one I am learning to love and embrace.
Anyway, as I left out on Monday morning still feeling a little out of it, I got to this special friend. The sun was just starting to rise, not a cloud in the sky, and it stopped me yet again. I pulled over and just sat. I stared at the starkness of the tree against the sky, the solitude of it in the field, but even in its magnificence, it felt a little like I was feeling in that moment. Kind of alone although I’m so not alone. As I sat and stared at it further, the sun coming up moment by moment behind it, it was like I could hear Him saying ….
Girl, this is you.
You are stark against the sky just like this, not because you are alone, gracious no, but because like all my children, you are unique and strong.
You have weathered all these storms and you will weather more, but I am right behind you.
I am shining on you to make you stand out.
Your bad moments will fall like these leaves, you will survive yet another winter, and the leaves like moments will come back more beautiful in the spring which is just around the corner.
Just go stand in your starkness, be strong against the wind, be solely, powerfully, uniquely you.
You have all that you need, you have Me.
As tears streamed down my cheeks, I shook my head and said, “Dadgum it, God, You get me every time. Thank you for finding ways to stop me and remind me how much You love me, especially on the days I make myself feel unloved.”
I hope you stand strong today, even if you’re the sole tree in your field. Remind yourself you don’t need other ‘trees’ to be beautiful or strong … besides, there isn’t a single one just like you.
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