Last week, I followed my heart and said no to something. I wish I could explain how hard that was for me. I just never say no, even when my heart is screaminng, “You idiot!”.  I have more to share on this later in an upcoming Yesaholic series but for now, I just need to be in Yesaholic Rehab.  Anyway, when I did it, it felt kind of good, kind of bad, but I let it go because I knew it was right for me, for me, for me. 

A few days later I was in one of my happy places, a place I go to relax.  Don’t laugh, it’s called a gym, but hey, I get to see my Crazy Boy, so it’s a tradeoff.  Anyway, I’m at the gym, and a person close to the person I’d told no was there.  They usually are very jovial and speak and this time, as they walked by, they made a comment that, “I just want you to know, Mary Jane (not a real name:) cried for two days when you told them no…” and they kept walking.  I was kind of floored, hurt, I don’t know. I don’t remember anything they said after that, as they still commented walking away.  Were they kidding?  I ask that 1) sarcastically, like are you kidding me? And 2) as in “are you being sarcastic and they didn’t cry at all?”  All I know is it sucked the doggone joy out of my time and why I was there which sadly, I allowed it to do.  I got in the car and got tears in my eyes. I let it weigh on me driving home, and I have to admit that I almost went home and emailed the person to tell them I had changed my mind.  But I didn’t.  I sulked in it, LET them steal my peace that evening, mulled it over, laid in bed thinking about it (I’m sure no one else ever does this). 

And you know, as I sit here typing this, I thought I was over it.  I thought I’d let it go and I guess to some degree I have.  But the overall effect it had on me like… when are we ever able to say no and feel good about it, when are we ever able to choose ourselves without one ounce of negativity, even if it’s only ourselves making ourselves feel that way.  When…. when.  I spent 12+ years as a photographer, heck, 50 years as a woman, just not saying no, until I ran myself in the ground and woke up lost.  I was afraid to say no for fear of rejection, loss of friendship, someone saying something bad about me….

But things are going to change.  Stay tuned…  and while you’re waiting, I’d love to hear if anyone else ever feels this way!